idk. its late and im just musing to myself. ive been thinking a lot and hating myself a lot in the last few days

one of the things that hurts me the most in recalling past relationships (and some friendships too) is knowing that i’ve almost always been the one to put the effort into it

i was almost always the one suggesting things and initiating conversation and trying to get things started and coming up with ideas for stuff and making nice comments and compliments and stuff. like when the other person did things like that i almost overreacted in gratitude and happiness because i was so unused to them being enthusiastic about the relationship

i mean i don’t think every person i’ve dated secretly hated my guts or thought i was disgusting. they probably did enjoy the relationship and just wasn’t as verbal as i was. but it’s so hard to be a verbal person, someone who likes to talk about things, and having my s.o. never initiate the conversation

it’s something that i think my anxiety does, this whole “prove it” thing that happens with me for everyone and it drives people away from me. i have to have proof that someone cares about me, proof that someone’s interested in me, proof that someone thinks i’m beautiful or funny or whatever. i have to hear the words “you’re beautiful” a thousand times to even start to believe it and i know that at some point the person im with is going to stop trying to prove it to me because it’s impossible

jesus. i’m just coming to terms with the fact that the way i feel is something i’m going to carry for the rest of my fucking life

i’m going to be in my 30s and engaged and ill be crying on the couch of our apartment with my fiancee and demanding that she proves to me that she thinks i’m attractive and worth something

im going to be married at 55 years old (if i live that long) and breaking down because i don’t think my wife loves me even after years of marriage

i am going to hate myself my entire fucking life and it’s going to take a goddamn miracle for someone to stick around and be gentle and help me and keep proving themselves over and over and over every single day because i’m so insecure

i have to put the effort into the relationships because otherwise they’ll lose interest and leave. i have to keep the interested in me i have to be funny and engaging and they have to know that i care about them

but i think maybe i take things too seriously, i probably move too fast. i mean i haven’t dropped the l-bomb since i was 13 with my first girlfriend, i didnt say it at all in my last relationship because i know that infatuation and the honeymoon phase isnt love, i had friend love for her but not romantic love but i still probably moved too fast.

honestly right now i’m just hoping and begging and praying that i learn from my mistakes that ive made AGAIN and i don’t continue fucking up my relationships with people because of how fucking scared i am of everything and because im a fucking psycho bitch